| mom: "i know you best -- and i know you'll never amount into anything. isn't reality so sad for you?"
me: "i guess if you put it that way, it can be." |
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| dad--i still miss you. so much.
i really wish you didn't leave me to deal with all of this alone. you were the one who was on my side. you were the one who would privately comfort me when she said things that hurt.
but i don't have that any longer. and it's hard. because i can't deny the fact that i still need a father figure in my life.
Jesus, help me let You be enough for me.
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| I fear for my married life. |
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| I used to be really intimate with Jesus.
In fact, I used to have been able to talk to Him as if He were my only real friend in this world. And in return, He would talk to me--and I could hear Him. I knew in all confidence that He loved me.
It's funny how God steps in sometimes. Two years ago, I was out eating lunch with my family on a Friday afternoon. It was a strangely vivid memory--I still remember that the weather was grueling hot and could even still remember the clothes I had worn. I was looking down on my food, munching away...and as I looked up, my eyes suddenly caught two very beautiful women walking out the door. I was literally amazed at how attractive they were. And then I inwardly sighed and laughed to myself in amusement,
"Gee whiz, some women really just have it all."
I wasn't jealous, envious, or anything at the time, but all of a sudden, this random thought popped into my head,
"I love you just the way you are."
The spoon of fried rice that was supposed to head towards my mouth halted halfway.
Many of you could probably infer by now that this line of thought obviously did not come from myself.
For a while, God would find different opportunities to tell me how beautiful I was.
And for a while, I could slowly believe that--
maybe--
somehow--
possibly--
hopefully--
--I really was beautiful.
but why do I now feel as if You've been lying to me this whole time? |
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| this carnal fire is just too much to bear. |
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True